That Constant Struggle...!

So many facets to our own life!!… It’s like we have one body but a bunch of varied souls dwelling inside that one body... You become one of that soul for a stranger; another spirit for your family; a guardian soul for your friends; a romantic soul for your lover; a reader soul for your non-living companions (books, music, sport etc.); a healer for your patients; a gentlewoman/gentleman for your colleagues or acquaintances; a bitch or an asshole for your boss (OK yeah not on their face may be!)… Each of your multiple personalities goes out there to become somebody for someone… Almost always!! Oh wait!!! You play so many roles for everyone else… What do you become for yourself???? What role do you play for yourself?? Do you really have to become something for yourself??
When I assemble these multiple parts of myself and try to form a ‘whole accomplished me’, I don’t feel that sense of completeness even then. I try to be the best of me for everyone and do best of everything for all those people and yet somewhere something goes amiss… And then, amidst these multi-functional roles, I start seeing loopholes within me. Begin to look for that one tiny guilt or fear or shame or mistrust that will satisfy my impatient ‘poor me side’. Aaaahh!!! Now I know what I become for myself. I become the most melancholic creature on earth for myself! So much for the divine multi-faceted being who’s willing to sacrifice everything for others except my own self!!
And I nonchalantly ignore and dismiss that divine side of me because of these tiny monsters people term as negative emotions/feelings. Can I not be divine with these traits?? Can I be complete only if I eradicate these negative aspects of my life??? What is the guarantee anyways?? May be then I would die with too much of goodness or never be satisfied and complete even with that ONLY goodness bit!
We all have our own set of fears, guilt, sadness, loneliness from past, present or future and we often love to sit and feed ourselves with it. We become accustomed to it and use it to make our self feel how ‘bechara’ we are in life! All the goodness for others whereas all the sadness (received from them as well as from our self) for your one exhausting life! It’s like creating dual identity of yourself.. The good self with whom you feed others and the negative self which you carefully preserve for yourself!
We sometimes forget that it is all a part of us. It’s like a watermelon with seeds (I know funny example to take but I couldn't think of anything else other than this fruit!!) How much ever you hate those seeds or ignore them, it continues to remain a part of that watermelon. And you still enjoy it… Love it... Relish it as one whole fruit… You never say only the red part is watermelon or just the seeds are watermelon. It is complete with those seeds and together it forms one whole fruit... Similarly, you are a complete being who’s dissected by humanly definition of good/bad, right/wrong moral/immoral… We all dissect ourselves every day of our lives and strive to become that wholesome being that we already are! We don’t realize it because we live and believe in that dissected life. Imagine one dissected half struggling to reach and become the other to feel holistic!! What a stupidity! It will remain half even if it reaches the other end…
You life is like that… So while you continue to play those multiple roles for others, embrace the wholeness that already exists in you. Treat yourself with that whole watermelon and that’s when you will exactly know what role to play for yourself!   
“We’re born, we live, we die. Sometimes not in that order!”