Breathing is not illegal yet!!!

If there is one thing that keeps us occupied, busy and creates all the possible chaos in our life, it is our life itself! (ofcourse it is my individual perspective and you are not compelled to agree with it). All of us, at some point or the other, begin to feel stuck up and experience that burden we call ‘life’. We crib, we cry, we beat ourselves for every minutest thing possible. I was no exception to this trained human behavior! I too began to crib and cry about my life.. Focusing on all the things that I felt were going wrong and conveniently ignoring all those things that seemed right. While my blessings (the good things in life) seemed minuscule and frivolous, worries and fear became my chaddi buddies (and trust me they know exactly how to cling and become an inseparable part of your life!) I began to drown in their company and erased all the goodness from my conscious mind. I was possessed by them to such an extent that nothing brought me a sense of satisfaction or gave me that kick/high which would make me feel that my life is the most exciting and precious thing on this earth! I became like a chalta firta complain box saying/thinking “Only if this part of my life becomes alright, I will be happy...” or “I will be happy if ….” "Life is good but but but...."

In one such cribbing session, my friend literally gave me a GPL. She kicked me and commanded me to STOP. Physically, mentally and emotionally STOP. I had reached an anxious level where it was darn difficult for me to either pause or stop. While my body acted loyal and obeyed her instruction, my mind just refused to budge. I wanted to stop those constant rambling thoughts but it just wouldn't come in control! That inner conflict and frustration showed on my face and I struggled to simply STOP (I literally felt as if I am running behind 50 children, stopping them from running in all possible direction, screaming and commanding them to stand in a single straight disciplined line). She noticed my discomfort and smiled. I gave her an irritable look grumbling “B***h! You don’t get it… Just f**k off!” 

As if she read that thought and knew exactly what I conveyed, she smiled again. I felt angrier, messed up and lost. Reading my thoughts and feelings as if scanning me, she asked me to close my eyes and breathe… She instructed me to just breathe and bring my focus on my breath. Honestly, it sounded stupid but I thought of taking a chance and followed her instructions of bringing my focus and attention to my breath. It felt as though my breath itself is shocked and in wonderment of how I suddenly thought of it today! (I too felt the same and felt like saying to my breath “Oh hey! So yeah you are a part of me but we never met. Not my fault dude! So don’t give me that weird feeling and make it more awkward for me. Now that we are acquaintance, let’s spend some time with each other . Shall we?”)

I started taking deep breaths.. Slow and steady… All the while focusing on the rise and fall of my stomach. I was breathing... Like literally breathing... Breathing in awareness... I was alive and breathing... 

She asked me to open my eyes after a while and said “Let’s go!”

I gave her a puzzled look, “What??? Where???”

“Just trust me and come”, she smiled that smile again. I had begun to get jealous and envious of that smile! 

“Continue to focus on your breathing”, she said “Be aware of it and continue to breathe in and breath out in awareness.”

I trusted her and sat on the bike. I was still breathing consciously (in awareness). The wind hit my face.. I closed my eyes and breathed the fresh air… I looked up at the sky and exhaled... Surprisingly, my breath and I were beginning to bond well. I was still breathing without any disturbing forces around...  

The bike suddenly stopped and I looked around in confusion.

“Are you still breathing??”, she questioned. 

“Yes I am”, I answered. 

She pointed out to a board bang opposite to where we stood. 

“This is where you are going to come when you stop breathing forever, when you will no more be able to breathe in consciousness! This is where you are going to land up... Just 10 minutes from where you stay... You gonna come right here with ‘NOTHINGNESS’ Shama! All those worries, complains, fears, tensions, anger about your past and future... And all that melodrama! Is it really worth this life??? It’s just here Shama. We all are gonna land up here. Sooner or later! Till then, just breathe... Breathe in awareness till you reach where you are destined to be! Let yourself have what you already have in life Shama. Live with the goodness that already exists in your life and around you. Just begin to live with it. In this very moment! Just breathe because you are alive right now. 

We stood in front of that graveyard for 15 minutes and I was breathing. Breathing in awareness. I felt alive at that very moment. I understood what she was trying to convey. I was alive then! I could be dead the very next minute or the next hour or the next month. Nothing of what is within and around me is certain. And there I was! Making such a big deal of this uncertain life... It was then that I understood the meaning of ‘living in present and living as if you gonna die tomorrow’. I continued to inhale and exhale in awareness… 

From that day onwards, each time my mind dared to wander, I began to command it to stop and began to bring my focus to my breath. Breathing in the moment... Breathing the life in awareness... Breathing in gratitude for the goodness within and around me… Breathing and letting myself have what I already have… And it worked! I began to live in present. Neither in past nor in future! I began to live in present... And that’s when my mind surrendered to my heart and all three of us (my mind, my heart and myself)  made peace with each other... 

“At the center of your being is your breath. Joy and peace are the joy and peace possible in this very hour of sitting. If you cannot find it here, you won’t find it anywhere……” – Thich Nhat Hanh