A brief encounter with Fear!

On Sunday, I went to a place called Bhivpuri near Karjat for a trek-cum-waterfall rappelling. I have been on adventure camps before but WATERFALL rappelling was something I was trying for the first time. The water phobic that I am, I had nothing but fear and uncertainty in every single cell of my body. When I was all prepped and ready to rappel down, I kept telling (rather pleading) the Universe to stay connected and kept reminding myself to breathe. I laughed at my own self for being this stupid and deciding to put myself through this angst. I began repeating the mantra ‘One step at a time’ and started coming down. After a minute of pretending-to-be confident rappel, I slipped. I slipped and all I could drink, breathe, feel was water. The force was so strong that I couldn’t open my eyes and the rock was so slippery and uneven that I couldn’t get a grip. I froze. Never in my life I felt and experienced fear so closely. I didn’t know what to do and kept feeling helpless as I continued to struggle to find a grip and get my balance. I have this insane habit of starting to breathe when I get dipped in water (out of anxiety and fear) so that made it worse for me to get a control (of course that moment I screamed at myself ‘stop breathing. Stop breathing.’) Somehow I managed to get a grip and began rappelling down once again. I was about to come back to my senses and I slipped again and this time, I managed to hang myself towards extreme left where the flow and force of water was merciless. My mind, my breath, my whole Being stopped working. All I knew and felt was fear – fear of not being able to make it. All my life, I have had fear accompanying me. Anywhere I went, whatever I did (good, bad or outstanding), it was there. And yesterday, it managed to take over my Being. In that fraction of a moment, I was engulfed and possessed by it. After what seemed like eternity – twirling, twisting, slipping and gasping, I caught hold of my body and hung to the rope and gradually got myself to the finish point.

When I got out of the safety harness and looked at the waterfall, I couldn’t believe I made it! I looked at the gushing water, the rope and other humans rappelling down and that’s when it struck me. We all as human beings encounter situations where we feel fearful and lost. No matter what we do, we continue to breathe struggle and anxiety. Some of us even give up and end lives. And it is in those moments that we forget the rope and the harness - the Universe/God/Life force/Prana. We forget that it is still holding us safe, ready to assist us in getting a grip. In that state of panic, we lose the patience and the ability to trust this force. The rope was stronger than my fears and yet I gave all my power to fear. Even the times I let the fear take control, the rope stayed with me – patiently waiting for me to hold on to it. And the moment I shifted this control from fear to the rope, I was instantly connected with the Universe. Even though the fear stayed, I knew I was safe. I let out a sigh and smiled at the waterfall.

Am I not scared anymore? – Of course I am.
Will I do this again? – Probably not!
How did this experience help me? – It gave me a slightly better understanding of the Human in me. I travelled back home feeling calmer, joyous, at peace and more connected with the Universal force (within and around). 

~Gratitude~