Oh! You are still single? (Raising eyebrows and all possible facial muscles)
Why aren’t you married yet?
Most of us, who’ve crossed the age of 28yrs and are still single, have been asked this question by all possible people – relatives, family friends, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and so on. They almost make you feel like a criminal who’s committed an unforgivable sin in life and is going to pay for this till eternity. When you politely and sometimes (faking) patiently respond to their questions saying ‘No, you aren’t married yet’, they arrive on the following conclusions about you, your life and your family:
1. Something must be wrong with the girl/boy
2. She/He must be very demanding (in terms of wanting an ideal match)
3. She/He doesn’t know how to adjust and/or compromise
4. The family must not have searched enough!
5. She/He is selfish; doesn’t care about his/her parents’ happiness
And I can go on and on with this list. But for now, I am going to limit this list to the above five points and throw some more light on it.
1. Something must be wrong with the girl/boy:
Dear Auntys and Uncles,
You really think I am not getting married because there must be something wrong with/in me? Well, let me be optimistic here and ask “Didn’t you get married despite the flaws that you have within?” In my humble opinion, we all have something or the other wrong with us. And according to me, that has nothing to do with me getting married or staying single. What is worth noting is that I would rather wait and have someone marry me after knowing what is (if anything) is wrong with me rather than marrying anybody to prove a point to you that nothing is wrong with me.
2. She/He must be very demanding (in terms of wanting an ideal match):
I score highest in this point! I am often labeled as demanding when it comes to choosing a partner. I have an image (referring to the qualities of the person), like everyone else, of a companion that I wish to have in life. This image is created in my heart (not just mind) for a reason. The reason is that to me, this companion you refer to as husband isn’t just a man who’ll be loitering around at office during the day and come home to sleep beside me at night. To me, this companion is a person, a soul who’ll help me evolve/grow/mature in some form or the other. And because it is the matter of my growth, my soul and my life, I am the best person to know what/who is going to assist me in this process. In your not-so-humble opinion if I am demanding, I am glad I am because it shows that I am not taking my life/soul/spirit lightly and willing to enter a relationship which is mere celebration to you and a matter of life for me.
3. She/He doesn’t know how to adjust and/or compromise:
And I top the chart in this one too! :D
Ironically, people who tell this about me are the ones who come to me for relationship advice. Everyone who discovers that you are still single (especially if you are 30 and a girl), they start their sermon of how marriage is all about adjustments and compromises and how I shouldn’t be headstrong about things (the man I wish to marry) but learn to give in and adjust. Some of these self-proclaimed wise souls even offer the man and point out the areas where I need to adjust and when I refuse, they look at me as if I am a woman who has no idea what she’s doing with her life. Even though I am not married, I am certain that adjustment and compromise cannot be the base of a marriage. It is a part of any relationship that we humans encounter, not just marriage. It isn’t and shouldn’t be the base or defining factor of marriage. I have handled marital cases where partners give up on this adjustment after 5-10-15 yrs of living into adjustments and compromises. And while doing so, they consciously/unconsciously begin to change themselves for their partner (in the hope of acceptance and making the other person happy) and then reach a point where they become unrecognizable to their own self. Adjustment and compromise are natural human tendencies (in my opinion) but it will come only when you have a sense of affection for your partner in which case, both adjustment and compromise becomes something that you willfully do and not something that you should/must do.
When we go out shopping and really like an outfit at a store, we become adamant to buy the same piece of clothing. We are even ready to pay whatever price needed to own that dress/suit (no adjustment or compromising here). While picking up materialistic things, we ensure that we get the best of it and even check two three times for any defects, fitting, perfect color and so on. That same piece of cloth if gets damaged in the future, we try to stitch it up and keep it safe because it is our favorite piece of clothing. If it gets stained, we give it for dry cleaning; if it becomes tight or loose, we give it for alteration. We make efforts to ensure that that piece of clothing remains with us. Similarly, we all are designed to take care of our relationships. And it comes naturally if you are OK and happy with the person who’ve chosen to be with.
If some people aren’t willing to adjust/compromise, they do so for some reason and most of the time, the reason is to protect themselves mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually from being damaged. Some people fail to do this because the choice of partner was made by someone else and they just jumped into it thinking it will all be hunky dory.
Remember, I’ve been in numerous relationships in life till date – family, friends, relatives, work etc so, its not just once but numerous times that I have experienced what it is like to adjust and compromise. But I willingly choose not to base my marriage on these two words so if you think I don’t know how to adjust and compromise, I think its time you evaluate your own decisions/reasons of adjusting and compromising.
4. The family must not have searched enough!
Once people are done lecturing the girl/boy, it is time to throw themselves on the family. The family, especially parents, who are already secretly worried about their child’s life, panic all the more and start wondering why on earth is God being unfair to them. Parents see other kids getting married and having babies (at the lightening speed) and feel choked within, seeing their perfectly normal looking children still single. And truth be told, by now, they would have done every possible thing to look for a suitable match and are yet labeled by people as the ones who aren’t serious about their sons/daughters future.
I have seen so many families removing their frustration on children because according to society, they failed to be good parents just because their children are still single. I have seen parents marry their children off at young age (trust me the ones getting married had no idea of what marriage entails, except that they’ll get to shop and go on a romantic honeymoon) just because society shouldn’t think they are not good parents. This whole pressure of family not doing enough cripples most parents and often leaves them with a sense of failure (as parents).
My beloved people, please note that family has no role to play in this marital drama of hunting dulha/dulhan. I am a person who firmly believes in destiny and when it comes to marriage, I believe that we are destined to meet the one who’s meant for us (I know it sounds clichéd). It happens only when it has to happen and if its not happening, there must be a reason behind it. What reason? Please go and ask your respective Gods and if you manage to get an answer, do come and share with me. There are people who do not believe in destiny and it is ok to not believe. It is your life. But in my life, what I believe in becomes the truth. So, in my life, it doesn’t matter if my family is searching or has searched enough to get me a good match. What matters in my life is how much they continue to love me despite the fact that I am not living up to societal expectations.
Every parent of every girl/boy who’s single yet has done enough so, if you cannot be compassionate towards them, please keep your pity and allegations to yourself. Parenting isn’t about getting children married. It is about ensuring their happiness in any given situation. So, to all those parents who feel or think they’ve failed as parents just because their kids are not married yet, I am here to hug you and tell you that you continue to remain wonderful parents and I am glad and proud that you haven’t forced your children to marry (anyone) just to fulfill societal expectations.
5. She/He is selfish and stubborn; doesn’t care about his/her parents’ happiness.
Do you even realize how painful it is for the person to hear such a thing?
As a child, I (referring to all the single men/women) did every single thing to make sure my parents are happy with what I did or how I behaved. I did that at a young age when I wasn’t this mature, so you think I would purposely do something now (more matured than I ever was) to hurt the hearts who I owe my life to? Sometimes, postponing the decision of marriage or not picking any ‘tom ****(beep) & harry’ for marriage is done with an intention of not hurting the family and self.
I am glad I am taking time in this decision because I would rather not give my family fleeting happiness and later get divorced and cause more misery to them. I do have friends who married for their parents/family’s happiness and I know what hardships they are going through in life. Imagine how miserable would these parents feel if they know that they contributed the greatest deal in this hardship! So, if I am being selfish right now, it is because I love my family and myself so much that I would not want to consciously cause any damage to our beings. What you call being selfish, I call it being wise. I wish to understand marriage and get married because I want to and not because I feel that my decision of marrying would make my parents happy for a few days. I don’t wish a few days of happiness for them but a lifetime of joy and by not marrying for wrong reasons, I am preparing myself to shower that lifetime of joy on their Being.
Marriage is not a union that you pick to prove to society (or anyone else) that you’ve successfully crossed a developmental milestone. Marriage is not about other person completing you and nor is it about getting new clothes or having a man/woman to love you for the rest of your life.
Marriage is an institution where you grow and evolve as an individual. It is a bond in which your partner assists you in evolving emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Marriage is love experienced in a different form. Marriage is understanding why out of billions of people you met only this particular person and allowing yourself to learn and grow in the presence of this Being. Marriage is not just about two people on the stage and the clan dancing down. It is about allowing your partner to assist you in discovering certain aspects of your being so that with time, not just the love between you two but even the love you feel for yourself and life multifold.
Be it single or be it married, let love be the foundation of whatever you do...
Why aren’t you married yet?
1. Something must be wrong with the girl/boy
2. She/He must be very demanding (in terms of wanting an ideal match)
3. She/He doesn’t know how to adjust and/or compromise
4. The family must not have searched enough!
5. She/He is selfish; doesn’t care about his/her parents’ happiness
And I can go on and on with this list. But for now, I am going to limit this list to the above five points and throw some more light on it.
1. Something must be wrong with the girl/boy:
Dear Auntys and Uncles,
You really think I am not getting married because there must be something wrong with/in me? Well, let me be optimistic here and ask “Didn’t you get married despite the flaws that you have within?” In my humble opinion, we all have something or the other wrong with us. And according to me, that has nothing to do with me getting married or staying single. What is worth noting is that I would rather wait and have someone marry me after knowing what is (if anything) is wrong with me rather than marrying anybody to prove a point to you that nothing is wrong with me.
2. She/He must be very demanding (in terms of wanting an ideal match):
I score highest in this point! I am often labeled as demanding when it comes to choosing a partner. I have an image (referring to the qualities of the person), like everyone else, of a companion that I wish to have in life. This image is created in my heart (not just mind) for a reason. The reason is that to me, this companion you refer to as husband isn’t just a man who’ll be loitering around at office during the day and come home to sleep beside me at night. To me, this companion is a person, a soul who’ll help me evolve/grow/mature in some form or the other. And because it is the matter of my growth, my soul and my life, I am the best person to know what/who is going to assist me in this process. In your not-so-humble opinion if I am demanding, I am glad I am because it shows that I am not taking my life/soul/spirit lightly and willing to enter a relationship which is mere celebration to you and a matter of life for me.
3. She/He doesn’t know how to adjust and/or compromise:
And I top the chart in this one too! :D
Ironically, people who tell this about me are the ones who come to me for relationship advice. Everyone who discovers that you are still single (especially if you are 30 and a girl), they start their sermon of how marriage is all about adjustments and compromises and how I shouldn’t be headstrong about things (the man I wish to marry) but learn to give in and adjust. Some of these self-proclaimed wise souls even offer the man and point out the areas where I need to adjust and when I refuse, they look at me as if I am a woman who has no idea what she’s doing with her life. Even though I am not married, I am certain that adjustment and compromise cannot be the base of a marriage. It is a part of any relationship that we humans encounter, not just marriage. It isn’t and shouldn’t be the base or defining factor of marriage. I have handled marital cases where partners give up on this adjustment after 5-10-15 yrs of living into adjustments and compromises. And while doing so, they consciously/unconsciously begin to change themselves for their partner (in the hope of acceptance and making the other person happy) and then reach a point where they become unrecognizable to their own self. Adjustment and compromise are natural human tendencies (in my opinion) but it will come only when you have a sense of affection for your partner in which case, both adjustment and compromise becomes something that you willfully do and not something that you should/must do.
When we go out shopping and really like an outfit at a store, we become adamant to buy the same piece of clothing. We are even ready to pay whatever price needed to own that dress/suit (no adjustment or compromising here). While picking up materialistic things, we ensure that we get the best of it and even check two three times for any defects, fitting, perfect color and so on. That same piece of cloth if gets damaged in the future, we try to stitch it up and keep it safe because it is our favorite piece of clothing. If it gets stained, we give it for dry cleaning; if it becomes tight or loose, we give it for alteration. We make efforts to ensure that that piece of clothing remains with us. Similarly, we all are designed to take care of our relationships. And it comes naturally if you are OK and happy with the person who’ve chosen to be with.
If some people aren’t willing to adjust/compromise, they do so for some reason and most of the time, the reason is to protect themselves mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually from being damaged. Some people fail to do this because the choice of partner was made by someone else and they just jumped into it thinking it will all be hunky dory.
Remember, I’ve been in numerous relationships in life till date – family, friends, relatives, work etc so, its not just once but numerous times that I have experienced what it is like to adjust and compromise. But I willingly choose not to base my marriage on these two words so if you think I don’t know how to adjust and compromise, I think its time you evaluate your own decisions/reasons of adjusting and compromising.
4. The family must not have searched enough!
Once people are done lecturing the girl/boy, it is time to throw themselves on the family. The family, especially parents, who are already secretly worried about their child’s life, panic all the more and start wondering why on earth is God being unfair to them. Parents see other kids getting married and having babies (at the lightening speed) and feel choked within, seeing their perfectly normal looking children still single. And truth be told, by now, they would have done every possible thing to look for a suitable match and are yet labeled by people as the ones who aren’t serious about their sons/daughters future.
I have seen so many families removing their frustration on children because according to society, they failed to be good parents just because their children are still single. I have seen parents marry their children off at young age (trust me the ones getting married had no idea of what marriage entails, except that they’ll get to shop and go on a romantic honeymoon) just because society shouldn’t think they are not good parents. This whole pressure of family not doing enough cripples most parents and often leaves them with a sense of failure (as parents).
My beloved people, please note that family has no role to play in this marital drama of hunting dulha/dulhan. I am a person who firmly believes in destiny and when it comes to marriage, I believe that we are destined to meet the one who’s meant for us (I know it sounds clichéd). It happens only when it has to happen and if its not happening, there must be a reason behind it. What reason? Please go and ask your respective Gods and if you manage to get an answer, do come and share with me. There are people who do not believe in destiny and it is ok to not believe. It is your life. But in my life, what I believe in becomes the truth. So, in my life, it doesn’t matter if my family is searching or has searched enough to get me a good match. What matters in my life is how much they continue to love me despite the fact that I am not living up to societal expectations.
Every parent of every girl/boy who’s single yet has done enough so, if you cannot be compassionate towards them, please keep your pity and allegations to yourself. Parenting isn’t about getting children married. It is about ensuring their happiness in any given situation. So, to all those parents who feel or think they’ve failed as parents just because their kids are not married yet, I am here to hug you and tell you that you continue to remain wonderful parents and I am glad and proud that you haven’t forced your children to marry (anyone) just to fulfill societal expectations.
5. She/He is selfish and stubborn; doesn’t care about his/her parents’ happiness.
Do you even realize how painful it is for the person to hear such a thing?
As a child, I (referring to all the single men/women) did every single thing to make sure my parents are happy with what I did or how I behaved. I did that at a young age when I wasn’t this mature, so you think I would purposely do something now (more matured than I ever was) to hurt the hearts who I owe my life to? Sometimes, postponing the decision of marriage or not picking any ‘tom ****(beep) & harry’ for marriage is done with an intention of not hurting the family and self.
I am glad I am taking time in this decision because I would rather not give my family fleeting happiness and later get divorced and cause more misery to them. I do have friends who married for their parents/family’s happiness and I know what hardships they are going through in life. Imagine how miserable would these parents feel if they know that they contributed the greatest deal in this hardship! So, if I am being selfish right now, it is because I love my family and myself so much that I would not want to consciously cause any damage to our beings. What you call being selfish, I call it being wise. I wish to understand marriage and get married because I want to and not because I feel that my decision of marrying would make my parents happy for a few days. I don’t wish a few days of happiness for them but a lifetime of joy and by not marrying for wrong reasons, I am preparing myself to shower that lifetime of joy on their Being.
Marriage is not a union that you pick to prove to society (or anyone else) that you’ve successfully crossed a developmental milestone. Marriage is not about other person completing you and nor is it about getting new clothes or having a man/woman to love you for the rest of your life.
Marriage is an institution where you grow and evolve as an individual. It is a bond in which your partner assists you in evolving emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Marriage is love experienced in a different form. Marriage is understanding why out of billions of people you met only this particular person and allowing yourself to learn and grow in the presence of this Being. Marriage is not just about two people on the stage and the clan dancing down. It is about allowing your partner to assist you in discovering certain aspects of your being so that with time, not just the love between you two but even the love you feel for yourself and life multifold.
Be it single or be it married, let love be the foundation of whatever you do...
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