Sometimes Its Never Enough!

I tried my best to give you love,

You made me feel that it wasn't good enough.

I left my world to value yours,

You made me realize my choice was selfish and it wasn't enough.

I chose your happiness over my own,

You still conveyed that it wasn't my best and it was not enough.

I embraced your dreams by crushing mine,

And you hurt me saying I dint do anything that was worth awhile.

I inhaled the pain to make you smile,

You turned your back and said even this too wasn't worthwhile.

I molded myself in the form you desired,

And the dissatisfaction in your voice conveyed I didn't do my best and it wasn't good enough.

Today, I lost my strength and the desire to please you…

Coz its today that I realized that it will NEVER EVER be good enough… It will NEVER EVER be good enough!!

The Romanticized Soul-mate!

Soul-mate - The most familiar word to human ears, especially from the age of puberty till adulthood. We dream and desire this soul-mate (fictional lover) and sincerely begin to look (Some people even pray every Monday) for him/her when we attain a marriageable age. This fantasy character is supposed to come in our lives once and stay with us forever (and for added six janams) [Really??? Like for the rest of seven whole lives!!! I am sure this isn't an opinion of married men and women ;)].
We are told that this soul-mate is our better half (another myth) with whom we get romantically involved and once found, we have to tie him/her in a marital knot (because if you don’t, this soulful soul-mate might run away and never come back). So technically, we all should have only one soul-mate for a life time except for the ones who decide to get married more than once (hats off to them!).
It’s amazing to see how we (humans) are such experts in creating boundaries around anything and everything! We say ‘live in the present, live in the moment’ and all we do (and are taught to do) is to live in/for the future. I decided to break this boundary and define my own understanding of a soul-mate. When I encountered the definition of a soul-mate (a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values & tastes and often a romantic bond), I realized that I have had more than one person (a normal-living-human-being) with whom I have established that so called soulful bond! And surprisingly, none of them stuck around or promised to stick around for one whole janam (forget the added six lives). Most of these people became my soul-mates for one hour, few hours, sometimes just one day or for few days. These were the people I felt strongly connected with (emotionally, mentally and physically)! Call it a spark, call it a unique connection or a soulful bond, I felt it all! I met these soul-mates in the form of friends, best friends, family members, relatives, crushes, lovers and sometimes just acquaintances. When I think of the times spent with these bunch of (my) soul-mates, I figured that more than the time spent together (in hours, days, janams), I valued the intensity of connect that I felt with them at that moment. And I would not trade this connect with anything else in this whole wide world.
For how much ever time we spent, we belonged to each other.. We connected.. We loved.. We felt that weirdly powerful bond that sometimes become hard to describe.. 
When I began to live life by this definition of soul-mate, I became happier.. I did not cry when they moved out.. I did not pity myself when I lost them.. I did not sob for the fear of not being blessed with another (lover) soul-mate.. I did not go down the pity guilt trail because I knew that I am destined to meet soul-mates everyday for the rest of my life!

So! Is your definition of a soul-mate making you happy? :-) If not, its time may be you break your boundaries too ;-)

Breathing is not illegal yet!!!

If there is one thing that keeps us occupied, busy and creates all the possible chaos in our life, it is our life itself! (ofcourse it is my individual perspective and you are not compelled to agree with it). All of us, at some point or the other, begin to feel stuck up and experience that burden we call ‘life’. We crib, we cry, we beat ourselves for every minutest thing possible. I was no exception to this trained human behavior! I too began to crib and cry about my life.. Focusing on all the things that I felt were going wrong and conveniently ignoring all those things that seemed right. While my blessings (the good things in life) seemed minuscule and frivolous, worries and fear became my chaddi buddies (and trust me they know exactly how to cling and become an inseparable part of your life!) I began to drown in their company and erased all the goodness from my conscious mind. I was possessed by them to such an extent that nothing brought me a sense of satisfaction or gave me that kick/high which would make me feel that my life is the most exciting and precious thing on this earth! I became like a chalta firta complain box saying/thinking “Only if this part of my life becomes alright, I will be happy...” or “I will be happy if ….” "Life is good but but but...."

In one such cribbing session, my friend literally gave me a GPL. She kicked me and commanded me to STOP. Physically, mentally and emotionally STOP. I had reached an anxious level where it was darn difficult for me to either pause or stop. While my body acted loyal and obeyed her instruction, my mind just refused to budge. I wanted to stop those constant rambling thoughts but it just wouldn't come in control! That inner conflict and frustration showed on my face and I struggled to simply STOP (I literally felt as if I am running behind 50 children, stopping them from running in all possible direction, screaming and commanding them to stand in a single straight disciplined line). She noticed my discomfort and smiled. I gave her an irritable look grumbling “B***h! You don’t get it… Just f**k off!” 

As if she read that thought and knew exactly what I conveyed, she smiled again. I felt angrier, messed up and lost. Reading my thoughts and feelings as if scanning me, she asked me to close my eyes and breathe… She instructed me to just breathe and bring my focus on my breath. Honestly, it sounded stupid but I thought of taking a chance and followed her instructions of bringing my focus and attention to my breath. It felt as though my breath itself is shocked and in wonderment of how I suddenly thought of it today! (I too felt the same and felt like saying to my breath “Oh hey! So yeah you are a part of me but we never met. Not my fault dude! So don’t give me that weird feeling and make it more awkward for me. Now that we are acquaintance, let’s spend some time with each other . Shall we?”)

I started taking deep breaths.. Slow and steady… All the while focusing on the rise and fall of my stomach. I was breathing... Like literally breathing... Breathing in awareness... I was alive and breathing... 

She asked me to open my eyes after a while and said “Let’s go!”

I gave her a puzzled look, “What??? Where???”

“Just trust me and come”, she smiled that smile again. I had begun to get jealous and envious of that smile! 

“Continue to focus on your breathing”, she said “Be aware of it and continue to breathe in and breath out in awareness.”

I trusted her and sat on the bike. I was still breathing consciously (in awareness). The wind hit my face.. I closed my eyes and breathed the fresh air… I looked up at the sky and exhaled... Surprisingly, my breath and I were beginning to bond well. I was still breathing without any disturbing forces around...  

The bike suddenly stopped and I looked around in confusion.

“Are you still breathing??”, she questioned. 

“Yes I am”, I answered. 

She pointed out to a board bang opposite to where we stood. 

“This is where you are going to come when you stop breathing forever, when you will no more be able to breathe in consciousness! This is where you are going to land up... Just 10 minutes from where you stay... You gonna come right here with ‘NOTHINGNESS’ Shama! All those worries, complains, fears, tensions, anger about your past and future... And all that melodrama! Is it really worth this life??? It’s just here Shama. We all are gonna land up here. Sooner or later! Till then, just breathe... Breathe in awareness till you reach where you are destined to be! Let yourself have what you already have in life Shama. Live with the goodness that already exists in your life and around you. Just begin to live with it. In this very moment! Just breathe because you are alive right now. 

We stood in front of that graveyard for 15 minutes and I was breathing. Breathing in awareness. I felt alive at that very moment. I understood what she was trying to convey. I was alive then! I could be dead the very next minute or the next hour or the next month. Nothing of what is within and around me is certain. And there I was! Making such a big deal of this uncertain life... It was then that I understood the meaning of ‘living in present and living as if you gonna die tomorrow’. I continued to inhale and exhale in awareness… 

From that day onwards, each time my mind dared to wander, I began to command it to stop and began to bring my focus to my breath. Breathing in the moment... Breathing the life in awareness... Breathing in gratitude for the goodness within and around me… Breathing and letting myself have what I already have… And it worked! I began to live in present. Neither in past nor in future! I began to live in present... And that’s when my mind surrendered to my heart and all three of us (my mind, my heart and myself)  made peace with each other... 

“At the center of your being is your breath. Joy and peace are the joy and peace possible in this very hour of sitting. If you cannot find it here, you won’t find it anywhere……” – Thich Nhat Hanh

That Constant Struggle...!

So many facets to our own life!!… It’s like we have one body but a bunch of varied souls dwelling inside that one body... You become one of that soul for a stranger; another spirit for your family; a guardian soul for your friends; a romantic soul for your lover; a reader soul for your non-living companions (books, music, sport etc.); a healer for your patients; a gentlewoman/gentleman for your colleagues or acquaintances; a bitch or an asshole for your boss (OK yeah not on their face may be!)… Each of your multiple personalities goes out there to become somebody for someone… Almost always!! Oh wait!!! You play so many roles for everyone else… What do you become for yourself???? What role do you play for yourself?? Do you really have to become something for yourself??
When I assemble these multiple parts of myself and try to form a ‘whole accomplished me’, I don’t feel that sense of completeness even then. I try to be the best of me for everyone and do best of everything for all those people and yet somewhere something goes amiss… And then, amidst these multi-functional roles, I start seeing loopholes within me. Begin to look for that one tiny guilt or fear or shame or mistrust that will satisfy my impatient ‘poor me side’. Aaaahh!!! Now I know what I become for myself. I become the most melancholic creature on earth for myself! So much for the divine multi-faceted being who’s willing to sacrifice everything for others except my own self!!
And I nonchalantly ignore and dismiss that divine side of me because of these tiny monsters people term as negative emotions/feelings. Can I not be divine with these traits?? Can I be complete only if I eradicate these negative aspects of my life??? What is the guarantee anyways?? May be then I would die with too much of goodness or never be satisfied and complete even with that ONLY goodness bit!
We all have our own set of fears, guilt, sadness, loneliness from past, present or future and we often love to sit and feed ourselves with it. We become accustomed to it and use it to make our self feel how ‘bechara’ we are in life! All the goodness for others whereas all the sadness (received from them as well as from our self) for your one exhausting life! It’s like creating dual identity of yourself.. The good self with whom you feed others and the negative self which you carefully preserve for yourself!
We sometimes forget that it is all a part of us. It’s like a watermelon with seeds (I know funny example to take but I couldn't think of anything else other than this fruit!!) How much ever you hate those seeds or ignore them, it continues to remain a part of that watermelon. And you still enjoy it… Love it... Relish it as one whole fruit… You never say only the red part is watermelon or just the seeds are watermelon. It is complete with those seeds and together it forms one whole fruit... Similarly, you are a complete being who’s dissected by humanly definition of good/bad, right/wrong moral/immoral… We all dissect ourselves every day of our lives and strive to become that wholesome being that we already are! We don’t realize it because we live and believe in that dissected life. Imagine one dissected half struggling to reach and become the other to feel holistic!! What a stupidity! It will remain half even if it reaches the other end…
You life is like that… So while you continue to play those multiple roles for others, embrace the wholeness that already exists in you. Treat yourself with that whole watermelon and that’s when you will exactly know what role to play for yourself!   
“We’re born, we live, we die. Sometimes not in that order!”

Breaking the Silence.....

From the time I was born, I was taught to be good to others; to be kind to everyone around me. As I grew up, I hardly saw or experienced any kindness around me. I learnt something else and saw some completely opposite values being practiced in the outside world.

I joined Bharat Scouts & Guides in my school and the concept of kindness was reinforced there. I remember, we were asked to do a good deed everyday which ranged from helping mom and dad to helping neighbors, senior citizens, strangers and anyone in the vicinity. The most commonly practiced good deed of all was to make someone cross the road. This was my understanding of kindness as a child.

With time, this concept of compassion stayed in my thoughts and days passed by without any act of benevolence being practiced in life. Days became months and months turned to years; I soon joined the race of succeeding in academics. Competition, greed, jealousy, anger, hatred surrounded me for years.

Today when I sit back and look at my yester years, I am reminded of the times when I innocently touched lives as a child. I was naive and never hesitated or weighed my options when it came to helping others. And today, as a grown up, I see every second person thinking twice before offering a helping hand to someone.

Sometimes, a simple act of lending a helping hand or giving an ear can change a life to an indescribable extent! I never knew I would take this value of empathy seriously and practice it as a profession. In this journey of practicing compassion, I met Ananya.

Ananya was someone who made me realize the power of ‘being there’, the power of ‘helping/reaching out’. One act of kindness in those 7 days changed Ananya’s life and she discovered a new, never-seen, Ananya within her. This is her story of survival and my tale of realizing the ‘power of giving’.

15^th October, 2010. Seven of us were called to facilitate a camp that was organized for teenagers by an NGO. There were 70 participants belonging to diverse caste, culture and language. Each one of us was given a responsibility of leading one group of 10 participants (boys and girls) each. That’s when I met Ananya for the first time.

Ananya was a part of my group but unlike other teenagers, something about her did not seem right to me from the very first day. Hence, my observation and attention was more inclined towards her from the start. Her behaviorism narrated a different story to me all the time.

While other girls wore the most fashionable clothes, Ananya always dressed herself in oversized clothes which would make her look more hideous.  She wore those outsized full sleeves salwar-kameez with her duppatta neatly wrapped around her shoulders.

While other girls in the group sought ways to chit-chat with boys and be flirty, Ananya chose to spend her time away from the boys. Her eyes would fill up with anger if any boy even dared to stand one foot away from her. On the 3^rd day of the camp, a boy from our group by mistake tripped and fell on her. Ananya got so alarmed at that moment that she outrageously pushed him. Not only that guy but the whole crowd was stunned by Ananya’s behavior.

While other participants made new friends, Ananya would either sit alone or preferred to sleep in her room. She buried herself in her own cocoon and did not allow anyone to come close. The times when everyone in the group laughed out loudly, Ananya would join too but within seconds she would get too self conscious and stop herself from joining the laughing riot. By the 3^rd day, everyone in the group had started hating and ignoring her because of her deviant behavior. 

In one of the activities, the participants were asked to draw their ‘Aim in Life’ and make it as colorful as they could. When the activity was announced and papers & colors were distributed, Ananya looked very uncomfortable. Throughout the activity, she kept staring at the paper without touching it even once. When I tried to ask her the reason for not participating, she said ‘she hates drawing’. She excused herself from there and walked towards her room. When I visited her room after sometime, she was sitting in a corner with her hands folded and legs drawn closer to her chest. On asking her if she was ok, she was startled by my presence and stood immediately on the same place. She tried assuring me that she was fine. I was about to leave the room when I noticed her hands. While sitting with her hands folded, Ananya had dug her nails on her left hand. I walked towards her to check the wound and immediately gave her first aid, without shouting or accusing her of anything at that moment.

There were many such observations I made that got me a little worried and more alert when it came to Ananya. I had studied psychology and the behavior that Ananya displayed hinted towards something that would leave a person psychologically damaged if it was left unattained. But all I could do then was to wait and hope for that time to arrive when Ananya would willingly unload her emotional baggage.

It was 4^th day at the camp. This day was dedicated to outdoor activities like rock climbing, river crossing and rappelling. Our group was asked to be ready for the adventure post-lunch and pre-lunch time was dedicated to a session on “Emotional Wellbeing”. After this session, it’s more likely for the participants to express their concern and seek emotional support. During this session, I observed the moments where Ananya began to sweat profusely. She kept wiping her face and neck with the corner of her duppatta. She also had an obsessive habit of washing her hands once every 30 minutes. And this reduced to 10-15 minutes during that particular session.

I was looking forward to hearing something from Ananya at the end of the session but to my surprise, even though she seemed more lost, she did not come and talk about anything that was causing her the discomfort. She stuck to her personal space. In spite of me desperately wanting to help Ananya, I was aware of the fact that I couldn’t do anything unless she felt the need to ask for help. So all I could do was wait for her to reach out for help!

At 2pm, our group preceded towards the adventure spot. The site was breathtakingly beautiful with mountains, river and greenery all around. Away from the city life, all one could see and hear was nature. Not only me but even the participants were mesmerized by the scenic beauty. They were excited and exhilarated at the same time. Without me even instructing, they dutifully went and gathered around the instructors who were ready with their set-up. After a round of ‘do’s and don’ts’ and a demonstration by one of the instructor, the group was ready to overcome their fears and experience the escapade themselves.

Beginning with the river-crossing, each participant had to cross the river and get on the other side of the river. Aakash was the first one to volunteer. While the instructor prepared him for the activity, the others got busy numbering who would go next. They began cheering Aakash and encouraging him by screaming their lungs out. I stood there, joining them in the riot, till Aakash made his way across the river. I had to complete some left over paper work so decided to leave these high energy teenagers and made my way to sit under a tree by the river. While I began to walk towards the tree, I saw Ananya sitting there with her eyes fixated on the flowing river.

She looked up to smile at me when I reached close to where she was sitting. I asked her if I could sit beside her to which she smiled and said yes. In last 4 days, I had built a good rapport with her so she did seem comfortable in my presence. For next 15minutes we sat there in silence. I looked up to check on other participants every 5minutes and noticed that Ananya was still looking blankly at the river. She looked gloomier today.

“It’s an amazing place isn’t it?” I tried to initiate a conversation.

“Yes it is Ma’am”, she said meekly.

“Is everything all right Ananya? Are you ok?” I genuinely enquired.

“Yes Ma’am I am fine” she replied.

“Ok. But if there’s anything you wish to share, you know you can talk to me, right?”

“Sure Ma’am. Thanks” she said with a smile that had so much of sadness in it that it worried me endlessly.

I let her be in her space and began to look at the never ending river.

“I get nightmares. I get very scared with them.” she said breaking my never-ending chain of thoughts. She was now copiously fidgeting with her duppatta.

“Is there anything that’s been bothering you Ananya?”

“I don’t know” she said.

“Did anything happen which is making you feel afraid while you are awake?” I probed.

“Umm… No… Nothing... Nothing happened. I am fine” she replied suddenly frightened. It was as if she said something which she shouldn’t have and is terrified even with the thought of sharing that thing.

I immediately put my hand on hers “It’s ok Ananya. Just relax. It’s ok. Yes. You are fine. You are absolutely fine.”

“Ananya! I can help you if you tell me what is troubling you.”

“I ummm… Nothing... I don’t know…. I... It’s just…  I don’t want to go to Tuljapur next month” she said, looking horrified.

“Ok. And is there anyone who is forcing you to go there?” I enquired.

“No. My mom & dad are very nice. They don’t know. I can’t go there. I get scared. It’s a dirty place. I don’t like it”, she said biting her nails fretfully.

“Ok. Relax Ananya. I am there with you. Is there anything that you know and your parents don’t? What is it that you hate about that place?” I empathized.

“I don’t like anything there. I don’t want to go there.”

“Ok. Relax beta. I understand you don’t want to go there. I can try to talk to your parents and say that you don’t wish to go to your town.”

“No No. You cannot. Please don’t tell them anything. They love me a lot. I am the one who is bad. They are very nice.”

“What makes you say you are a bad person Ananya?”

“Because I am dirty… I am not good.”

“Is there anybody in your town who you are afraid of?

“Huh? No… No… I… No… Uhhh he is nice... He loves me... He…” she stopped abruptly as if trying hard to recollect something and at the same time fighting to erase those memories from her life forever.

“Ok Ananya! But who is he? Who all stay at that house?”

“My grandparents, my bade chacha and chachi and…” she paused and hesitatingly continued “my chhote chacha.”

“OK. Did anyone from them do anything that makes you scared?”

“I don’t know… I cannot say anything… It’s all my fault…” She covered her face with both her hands as if feeling really guilty and ashamed of something.

"What makes you blame yourself Ananya? Are there any experiences not yet discussed that have been particularly difficult or painful for you?"

“I deserve the pain… I could have but I did not stop it from happening… It’s all my fault… I am just paying the prize of it.”

“You can tell me Ananya. May be I can help you lessen the pain you are feeling right now… You can trust me…” I genuinely empathized.

“I feel ashamed to even think about it… It was so dirty and painful.”

“I can understand Ananya! It would have been extremely painful for you to go through it all alone. Did anyone do anything to make you feel dirty and painful?”

She anxiously looked into my eyes as if to weigh her options of revealing something that she had never spoken to anyone about.

“I don’t like the way my chacha touch me… I… I don’t know… I just… Actually it’s my fault I never stopped him. I cannot say anything... I really love my parents.”

“Ananya! You can tell me what happened sweetheart. Nothing will happen to your parents. They will continue to love you even if you tell me what your chacha did to you.”

She went silent. I knew it was becoming very difficult for her. The silence lasted for 5minutes after which Ananya shared what she never communicated to anyone ever!

“I have not told this to anyone Ma’am. Promise me you will not tell anyone. I don’t know if I should tell you.”

“I can understand Ananya. You can trust me. I promise I will not tell this to anyone. I promise.”

“There is a reason why I hate drawing and why I did not participate in the activity that day.”

“Would you like to share that reason with me?”

“When I was small, I loved drawing. I used to sit in my room and make colorful drawings. One day my chacha came to my room when I was drawing. He said he’s come to help me.  He was a good and kind person and everyone in the family trusted him. I trusted him to but….”

She took a pause and continued “He slipped his hand under my skirt. I moved a little but he was powerful to hold me closer. He said it was ok. He said he is not doing anything wrong. He asked me to trust him and not to say anything to anyone. It was a secrete he told me to keep. He came everyday to my room from that day. I did not like what he used to do. I feel so ashamed of myself. I could have stopped it but I didn’t.  It’s entirely my fault.”

She covered her face with her hands and began to cry. She looked extremely helpless and terribly guilty for something that wasn’t even her fault. I put my hand on her shoulder to comfort her. I understood how difficult it would have been for her to trust me and tell me especially when her trust was broken so miserably by someone she trusted the most. The sympathy and kindheartedness that I was showing then, was also shown by her uncle in her family. While my intentions were to support her, his was to break her down minute by minute.

“Ananya! I can understand how hard it must have been for you. What happened is painful but it is not your fault at all.”

“It is my fault Ma’am. I did not stop him even once.”

“It is not your fault my dear because you were a child. You were small and did not know what was happening to you. It is your chacha who has to be blamed because he was matured, more powerful and knew what he was doing was wrong. You were just an innocent child Ananya!”

“I did not even tell this to anyone. I was scared to tell my parents. I should have told them.”

“I can understand how afraid you must have been Ananya! And any child at your place would have gotten scared. As a child, you did not know what to do! And any child would find it difficult to speak about this painful experience. It is likely for you to blame yourself Ananya and every child does. But you must know that it was not your fault. It was not your fault my dear.”

I gave her a motherly hug and kept affirming that it was not her but her chacha who is to be blamed for what happened. That evening, Ananya took a step towards healing herself. I made a note of continuing her personal counseling to heal this wound which was left untouched for 6 long years!

That night, Ananya looked as if a big burden was taken off her back. She looked less culpable and much more relaxed. That day at campfire, Ananya laughed generously for the very first time.

Ananya underwent several sessions of personal therapy post camp to realize and accept that the abuse was not her fault. It took her time to make peace with herself. She successfully covered the journey from self-hatred to falling in love with her new-found identity.

Ananya is currently volunteering for an NGO that works for Child Sexual Abuse. She has proudly begun to spread the bug of compassion and help many such survivors break their silence.

One simple act of kindness can not only transform a life but can also be highly contagious, transforming this world and making it a better & safer place to live in. 

RainyTized!!!

Barish Ka Mausam!

I can sit and watch the rain for hours together! I think I can declare that I am officially in love with this Mausam.

There’s something absolutely charismatic about this season (or at least I believe so!). It’s as if every fraction of this nature has decided to be at their best, contributing in the augmentation of this scenic beauty. The site of giant grey clouds turning one shade darker every hour leaves me completely breathless. The wet green leaves’ shimmering vibrantly enlivens every part of its cell the moment those barish ki boondein falls on it. The water dripping from the same leaves become most fascinating when I try to catch a drop on the tip of my finger, forming the image of a shining pearl. Sprinkling the same drop on my face gives me a childish thrill, making me smile and jump like a 4 year old! 

Beneath that romantic drizzle, with my arms stretched out, offering a smile to the sky, I feel rejuvenated. A deep profound sense of sheer happiness runs through me, re-energizing every single cell in my body. Today, I decided to revive my childhood days and get Rainytized!
 

While others looked for a sheltered place, I began to walk in the drizzle on that watery transparently carpeted road. Making my way towards the chai ki tapri, I could not suppress the happiness within and it got glued on my face in the form of a contagious smile. Haath mein ek cutting chai in that drizzle was a delight which became a luxury at that moment! Standing at that tea stall with my guardian angel, I was far away from worries, tensions, fear or anger. It was a choice that I had to make – A choice to either sit in my cabin and crib about life or walk out and experience this natural peace and happiness. I, of course, chose the latter, realizing how important it is to break the shell and come out in open to be able to live and relish the natural sumptuousness of this universe. 
 

After almost 18 years, I caught hold of paper and fulfilled my heart’s desire to feel like a child again. I made 8 paper boats, ranging from biggest to the tiniest, and glided them in the stream of water which I referred to as my ‘chhotisi nadi’. I felt ecstatic, ignoring the pair of eyes staring me in disbelief! While they secretly laughed at me labeling me as foolish, I was laughing at them for being idiotic enough to miss these chhoti chhoti khushiyaan and then crib about how this unfair life doesn’t give them reasons to be happy. I guess this is what is called the ‘power of choice’. 

I am glad that I made a choice of creating a memory which will be imprinted in my heart till I am old enough to take Google’s help in recalling ‘how to make a paper boat’.

Go ahead. Make your choice. Get Rainytized this monsoon! :-)

A Brief Encounter!

 A man speaking to his reflection in the mirror........

"Each time I saw you, I looked at you from someone else's eyes. I tried to understand you based on how others wanted me to. I weighed your beauty against others' definition. I criticized you and blamed you for your flaws because I was shown only those by people around me. 
I made you feel more negative, fearful and incomplete weakening you every passing day because that's what I was told to highlight in you.
I forced you to love others more than yourself as that was the most important value I was taught to inherit from childhood. I burdened you with the thought of striving more and more in life in order for you to feel loved, approved and accepted. 
I complained and accused you time to time for being weak and imperfect in the process of making you the most perfect human being. And most importantly, I expected you to understand everyone else while I misserably failed to understand you myself."

He looked down and let the tears drop on the carpeted floor - Lost & guilty of not recognizing his own true self. He looked at his own tears flowing endlessly, emptying him more with every single drop. He tried to stop them and hold them but yet they found their way to reach his cheeks. He cupped his face with his hands and sat still as if blocking and at the same time remembering every single moment when he consciously/unconsciously betrayed his own reflection. He looked up a while later and touched his own reflection in the mirror and made a confession with those teary eyes.

"I am sorry I weighed your beauty against others' definition. You have always been most beautiful in spite of it. You are beautiful inside out. I am sorry I always criticized you and constantly tried to make you become someone else. Today, I embrace and accept you the way you are. I am sorry for forcing you to love others more than your self. Today, I want to tell you that I will love you more than you ever loved anyone. I admire your strength for being strong even when I abandoned you myself. I belong to you with all my heart from this very moment. From today, I promise to love the imperfection in you in the most perfect manner. Today, I behold YOU for a lifetime."

And he recognized his own reflection for the very first time......

YOUR Life is WORTHWHILE!

There are people who are struggling to live but are fighting death at the Hospital/Home... There are people who are getting to live their life but are fighting to die by committing suicide... And then! Amidst these, are the people who are pretending to live - blindly, aimlessly, lifelessly, just living!
We crib and curse people who come across to us as "wasting life". We see everyone else in that life's mirror except for our own reflection!
We foolishly believe that except for us, most of the people are just wasting their lives. And when asked, who all belong to this category of "wasting life", the list would keep increasing by each second! We all have our own definition of a 'worthy life' and we believe that this world would be a better place if EVERYONE else starts abiding by that definition.
You would have heard a lot of people saying "You are wasting your life" which in reality means "You are wasting my idea of how to live an ideal life". So, the question remains! - When is life actually worthy? Does it even matter? And what happens when we feel that life isn't worthy? Do we quit living?? Do we switch to someone else's idea of living? or do we re-consider our definition of worthiness??
Re-Consider YOUR definition of worthiness........

The most hilariously common definition of a worthy life (according to me) comes from some intellectual (sarcasm intended) souls who rove around saying "Life is worthwhile if you get married. Oh My God! You are 30 and single?? Why are you wasting your life like this?? Get married and have kids.. Don't waste your life like this beta!!" And then there are other definitions - If you take a non-conventional course or career like DJing, photography, painting, dancing etc, you are wasting your life; If you have lot of money and you are blowing it on parties and road-trips, you may be wasting your life big time... 
There are some 'extra-smart' (sarcasm intended) people who go out in open and believe that its their responsibility to teach the world the correct definition, to change people's life and make it worthwhile. They go around instructing every possible soul and persist till that person accepts that he/she has been living a worthless life! They continue to preach their definition of a worthy life every single minute and generalize it to such an extent that it gets engraved deep in our society. It gets so deeply rooted that the moment the child is born, he/she is being taught this societal definition of 'living-a-worthy-life'. And that's when you hear many people strongly believe in these statements - "I couldn't be financially strong so my life is worthless; I couldn't get a single boyfriend/girlfriend, my life is totally useless; I don't contribute in this society, I am wasting God's precious gift; I don't have a perfect body, face or hair, there is nothing worthwhile in my life; I couldn't survive my marriage, I am such a failure, I have ruined my whole life; I trusted a wrong person in love, there's no meaning to my life now blah blah blah blah" and that's when many people feel guilty about wasting their life.. They get tired and they quit!!! Quit Living Life itself!!

Are you living someone else's idea of a worthy life????????

Life in itself is Worthwhile - You accept it or you don't. It is a worthy life when you smile and it continues to be a worthy life when you cry. Introspect what according to YOU makes your life worthwhile..  Make sure your definition makes you comfortable and happy rather than burdened. You are a 'worthwhile creation', your life can never ever be worthless.. While it continues to remain worthy, the definition around it continues to change by every second..

Happy Living! :-)

Blessing in Disguise...

I am no saint nor do I intend to boast about myself. It’s just a thought that struck me and I felt like sharing it. After hearing my roommate talk today, it really got me thinking...

In a random conversation while watching IPL, what my roommate said to me got me into my contemplation mode. Whilst sharing how her day went, she took a pause and suddenly said to me "You know what! You are a Blessing in Disguise for me!" She continued to express her rationale and emotions behind that expression but I got stuck on that one line "I am a blessing in Disguise". The line sounded very familiar. I have heard it earlier... A couple of times... My ex-roommate... Few of my friends... My camp students... My clients at the rehabilitation center... It all came rushing back to me and I speculated... Am I? Seriously? A Blessing in Disguise?? What did I do to become this blessing for others?? Did I actually become a blessing in their life by just being there?? By just being me?? If it’s so easy, it means anybody can be a blessing in disguise for someone or the other!!! The hitch is - do we even care??? Why do I have to be a blessing in disguise for anyone else?? Isn’t this a job of a Saint, a Counselor, a Doctor or someone with a high EQ??? Do I want to become a blessing for someone or am I just happy being at the receiving end?? 

Regress two years into your life and think over - When was it that you were told by someone that you made a difference in their life? When was the last time you felt you touched a life by just being there? When was it that you were at the receiving end and made someone realize what a blessing they were in your life?? 

Technically, as God's beautiful creation, aren’t we all a blessing in disguise?? If you still think you cannot be a blessing in disguise, 'YOU ARE' my dear a born blessing and you continue to remain one throughout your life... For those who are happy being at the receiving end, you still hold that power of blessing within you and for those who wish to become a blessing for someone else, the world is all yours... Realize, cherish and embrace that power, that blessing within you... And with this realization, YOU will be a blessing in disguise each day of the rest of your life...

And They Lived Happily Ever After....

“Life is unpredictable and so is love. Sometimes we fall in it, sometimes we swim with it, sometimes we drown in it, sometimes we play with it... Whatever we do, it always goes on.. It has neither stopped for anyone nor will it ever stop. It’s we ourselves who decide to mark a full stop to love and we never do realize when we  begin to write a new sentence - experiencing everything all over again...”

To some, it may seem like a fiction; for some, it would come across as a next Rajshree Production script.. But for me, it’s a beautiful reality witnessing the love that proves that relationships do stand tall and strong. It’s a live example of marriage not being just a mere ritual but it being the best institution that exists amidst us. This story is symbolic of an emotion we call ‘Love’ and we sometimes believe that love can only hurt but here’s a couple who fails to disagree with this saying and confirms that ‘It’s not love that can ever hurt, it’s your way of dealing with the relationship (the bond) that can lead to pain’. It’s a dedication to the couple I truly admire and cherish their togetherness, nodding my head in front of God in agreement that ‘Love Exists’.

A tall, fair and handsome man meets a not-so-tall beautiful girl and they fall in love with each other at first sight! ...... Wait..... That’s not what happened... That’s a usual, routine and dreary plot we all are bored of hearing... So here’s how it all began!

A tall, fair and handsome man gets acquainted with a not-so-tall beautiful girl and they fall in love with each other without even meeting or leaving any trace of ‘love at first sight’.  Being from the same (small) town and aware of each other’s existence, they both went on with their separate lives for more than two decades. While he went on to study engineering in his own world, she set her steps in the field of Psychology in her separate world.  Fate let them remain in their respective worlds and made them fall in and out of love, but never with each other until the cupid by the name ‘Facebook’ arrived and connected these two familiarly different worlds. 

While they did have many mutual friends, they still weren’t on each other’s list until another cupid entered their life. A close friend of our Hero could not stop praising and talking about this new girl he had know and befriended on Facebook. Our Dude patiently listened each time his friend did the praising and after getting annoyed for several days, he decided to test the waters himself and find out who the hell is this girl who has made his brains suffer the non-stop admiration from his best friend. Being a stalker was never a part of his personality and he remained least interested while searching for her name in his friend’s list. And then there was a moment... A moment when he saw her name appear in the search result... A moment when he clicked on the name and had her profile page opened on his computer screen... A moment when he freezed looking at her image and found himself smiling to glory in his own world. He couldn’t make sense of what exactly was happening but all he felt then was to just continue looking at this image that brought a smile to his face without even saying a word! The cupid (in heavens) knew that our dude was smitten and its job as the messenger of love was executed just perfect. Till that day, he never added any girl without knowing her in person and that day proved an exception while he hit the ‘add friend’ option.

The girl however was totally unaware of what was happening to the guy and while seeing a new request with 30+ mutual friends and knowing that they have a close common friend, she clicked the mouse and accepted the request. Our man couldn’t resist the temptation after seeing the request being accepted and within 24 hours, he sent her a message on FB and that was the first of many messages that were exchanged that very night. Flirting had never been so much fun for either of them and they soon reached a stage where they would keep staring at the mobile screen looking for that symbol of ‘new message received’.. From FB to Yahoo messenger to Wtsapp, they covered their distance and after three months of exchanging messages, they heard each other’s voice for the first time.

In these three months, they realized how much they loved each other’s company. The days they talked for long went bright and happy & the days when they weren’t able to talk went dull and lifeless. It did not take them long to know that they had finally fallen in love with each other... It’s said, ‘fate’ hates it when everything goes smoothly and that’s when it demands for a jerk to shake things apart. 

They wished to take this love to another level and belong to each other for a lifetime but inter-religion marriages never come easy in our society.  While the news was shared with their respective families, it was a clear ‘NO’ response that came in the forefront. The decision was neither easy nor effortless for the two. While a lot many people would give in to this situation, they kept their fight on. While the guy accidentally (planned accident ;-)) bumped into girl’s parents and started talking to them, the girl called his home and accidentally (again the planned accident ;-)) began talking to his mother who picked up the phone. They both ensured that they kept creating these positive accidents until they feel that both the families are now comfortable and has developed a small liking towards each other. It took them six months and dozens of accidents to convince their families that the choice both of them are going to make in life is not the wrong one. And this was possible only because they both themselves believed in their hearts that the choice they have made is the right one (without a tinge of doubt)!

They signed a life-time bond (marriage contract) on the 10^th of June, 2011. That day, he swore to protect her happiness and fulfill all her wishes. She swore to sustain the smile on not just his face but also on every single member of her new home. He swore to hold her hand in not just happiness but especially in the times when life takes a shaky turn. She swore to evaporate every tension and agony that he ever comes across. Together they swore to respect this bond and cherish their relationship with love and care. They confirmed this promise looking into each other’s eyes and whispering those words which had finally united them for a life-time – ‘I love you’. 

While their responsibilities and roles changed after marriage, what remained unchanged was the love they had for each other; the madness they created every single day that livens their souls; the respect they held, not just for each other but even for their extended families; the gratitude they felt to have each other knotted for eternity. And most importantly, they kept the child within them alive every minute of every single day. When they are together, people around them still feel they are a dating couple unless they notice the rings and the Mangalsutra which symbolizes their eternal bond. And this has been possible because they continued to be who they were even before meeting each other. Their circumstances changed but they continued to remain the same person they once were! 

For me, their marriage is a living example of the strength two people can bring to a relationship. They are responsible for keeping the dying institution of marriage positive and alive. And when I see them or think of them, my heart and mind does nothing but pray for their happiness and togetherness! 

Prayers, wishes and special blessings to all those who continue to unite in love and set an example in this world that believes ‘Love is painful and it causes only hurt’. They are the most happily married couple I have seen, celebrating Valentines Day (the day of love) every single day of their life.

Ram Sanjay Jaiswal and Shama Ram Jaiswal I love you two :-) :-) :-)